Monday, October 24, 2016

366 Project - Day 298 - "Blurry Mind"


October 24, 2016 - "Blurry Mind"

It's late. I've been sitting here for hours trying to write my father's obituary. I know all of the bits I need to include... I'm just struggling with getting it all to come together. My mind is a blur. I'm sucking on mints one after another after another, and I don't even know why.

Yes I do. Because they were his. We found dozens upon dozens of unopened rolls of LifeSavers mints when we were cleaning out his room at the nursing home. The funny thing about that is that I'm pretty sure he bought them one-at-a-time from the vending machine. Regardless, I snagged one roll as we were leaving... and now I'm sitting here downing them like an addict.

It hurts.

My head hurts.

My body hurts.

My heart hurts most of all.

It seems like we just did all of this. Didn't we? We just did all of these sorts of things and felt all of these sorts of feelings and pains... and here we are doing and feeling them all over again. It leaves you with an overwhelming feeling... a feeling of "What's next!?!".

Things are different now. Different than they were when we lost my brother last year. Part of it is sort of an overall "numbness" that has been there for months on end - but a bigger part of it comes down to "faith'. My faith has become stronger, and with that my understanding of pain, loss and suffering has become much, much deeper. I feel as if I'm closer to understanding "Why?" now. I feel as if I'm able to be at peace with things more.

It still hurts though.

My head hurts.

My body hurts.

My heart hurts most of all.

(I love you Dad!)

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