Thursday, March 31, 2016

"What if _____?"

March 31, 2016 - "What if _____?"

I needed to be here tonight. I cannot explain “why”, exactly, I just really “needed” to be here tonight… even though it’s over 35-miles from home and I have no other reason to be in Stamford right now. 

So here I am… standing at the door of what was once “Peter’s Art of Framing”… crying. Why am I here? I don’t know. I haven’t even been able to drive past this shopping center since the day we turned over the keys to the landlord. I force Holly to drive out of the way just to avoid having to pass by here… yet here I am now… tonight of all nights. Why am I here?

I guess my real question is: “Why am I here… and you’re not?”

I just don’t get it... and I don’t think I ever will. I think about this night one year ago. I think about that phone call. I think about all of the days since that moment… and I can’t help but want to scream “WHY!?!”.

For the last year every day has been harder and harder. I can’t stop thinking about all of the possible “What if ____?” questions.

What if I had taken you up on one of your several attempts to convince me to come work with you? Would I have been in this place with you on this day one year ago? Would you still be here if I had?

What if I had called or texted you that morning? Would there have been something you would’ve said about how you were feeling that would've had me telling you to close the damn shop and get to the doctor? Would I have even had the mindset to do that? Or would I have blown it off as being nothing more than stress?

What if _____?

What if _____?

What if _____?

Why can’t I get these "What if _____?” questions out of my head?

Damn, I wish you were here right now…

I wish I didn’t “need” to be here right now…

I wish…

I wish so many things…

But none of them are going to bring you back to us.

So I pray…

I pray that you are watching us…

I pray that you will help guide us, because none of us know what the hell we’re doing or where the hell we should be going anymore…

I pray and I pray and I pray…

I miss you more than you could ever possibly know!

I love you, Bro!

I love you!

- Vin

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