Sunday, May 31, 2015

365 Project - Day 151 - "Closed (The End)"

May 31, 2015 - "Closed (The End)"

It's 3:30 in the morning... and I can't sleep.

Too much on my mind once again.

Today's the day... the "final day". We'll be at my brother's shop later this morning loading up the final piece of equipment that needs to be moved out of the building: the computerized mat cutter, which we have to deliver to the buyer. Then that's it. The shop will be completely empty... we will turn over the keys to the landlord... and my brother's dream will come to an end.

It wasn't supposed to be this way. We were supposed to be helping Peter celebrate his one year anniversary as a business. There should be a room full of people... lots of "congratulations"... maybe some cake. Yes... definitely some cake.

But instead it's "this". An empty storefront with no hint of what once was or what happened there. The only remnants of the dream are some business cards... photos... a few mementos... and memories.

Yesterday I was alone in the shop for a good twenty minutes or so. I sat in the back room... the work room... perched on top of a filing cabinet with my back against the wall. The lights were out. It was dark and quiet. Too quiet. It's NEVER that quiet there. No sounds of people talking as they walk past the front door. No music playing. No loud karate yells from the dojo next door. Nothing. Just "quiet". Just me alone with my thoughts... talking to the air... talking to my brother. I completely broke down in tears.

It just doesn't make sense to me! Why was it Peter, out of the four of us brothers? Why him? What the hell did he do?

I know, I know... "these things just happen". I'm so sick of hearing that "these things just happen" or "that's just the way it is". I'm sick of hearing that "it was just his time" or "we're not meant to know the reasons why" or even that "God had a reason".

What reason?

Can he explain it to me, please?

The truth is that there isn't a reason. Not a justifiable one, anyway. No reason why it had to be him. Not now. Not yet. It just wasn't supposed to be this way.

And now I'm left with one recurring thought: I have to do everything in my power to "prove" my life worthy. That there's some reason why it's "me" that is sitting here typing this... instead of Peter. That there's some purpose... something that I'm meant to do in life... something I still have to achieve before people are saying "God had a reason" in reference to me. That must be it... it's got to be it... because I can't for the life of me think of a single other reason why it had to be Peter... and not me.

Peter... I know you're up there, Bro. I know you're looking down at all of us... probably saying "What the fuck are you crying for!?! I'm fine!". Please stay with us, Bro. We need you! Help to guide us through this mess of a journey that we call life.

I love you!

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