Friday, March 28, 2008

Thoughts Upon Waking

* * *

The way my mind works, first thing in the morning...

Why does my head hurt?

Where’s my coffee?

Damn! I’m roasting under these blankets!

What the hell ever happened to that Alyssa Milano poster I used to have hanging over my bed twenty years ago?

Damn! I forgot to soak the beans for the soup... again! I guess that means I’ll be making turkey burgers for dinner tonight.

Something smells funny in here. Is that me? God, I hope not! I don’t think I’ll have time to take a shower until late-morning.

HELLO! What are YOU doing up at this hour?

(Oh yeah... I was just thinking about Alyssa Milano. That explains it!


I really wish that Holly wouldn’t shut the fan off when she comes in to wake me up. It’s amazing how quickly I can go from "comfortable" to "sweating like a mother-fucker".

Is it Friday? Or Saturday? I hope it’s Friday... because if it turns out to be Saturday, and there’s really no need for me to be awake right now - I’m going to be P-I-S-S-E-D!

Speaking of which... I really gotta pee.

"Pee". That’s a silly freakin’ word. Very "tinny"... not "woody".

Heh... I just said "woody"! That’s funny!

"Balls"... Now THAT is a very "woody" word!

I had a dream about being on the Queen Mary II last night. Huh. I wonder where the hell that came from!?! 

That’s a pretty freakin’ big boat, though! 

Ever been on a real shrimp boat? 

No... but I’ve been on a real big boat.

That’s my boat... "Jenny".

Oh well... whatever....



OK - enough of that!

Alright now - on the Transexual Transylvanian count of three and-a-half, I’m going to do a pelvic thrust and swing my ass out of this bed...





Well - THAT didn’t work!

OK... I guess I’ll just do this the old fashioned way...

Damn! It’s freakin’ cold outside of these blankets! Why the hell didn’t Holly turn the heat up when she got out of bed!?!

Where the hell is my coffee!?!

Oh... there it is. 

I guess I should stand up now...


I MUST be gettin’ old... My body feels stiffer than Glenn Quagmire at a Hooters!

"Hooters" - now THAT is one hell of a restaurant! Really good wings... cold beer... and lots and lots of ta-tas...

But I can’t have any of that anymore. Doctor says no wings or beer. Holly says no ta-tas. Oh well!

"Ta-tas" - that’s another silly word. "Tinny" - not "Woody".

Heh... I just said "Woody" AGAIN!

Today is going to be a good day!

* * *

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Double Porn

* * *

So last night I’m sitting there watching TV...

 Food Network HD...

 "Everyday Italian"...

 and I hear Holly - who is sitting at the dining room table, working on her computer - laughing.

I look up... and find that she is laughing at ME.

"What!?!" I ask.

She responds by making a face. Mouth hung open... eyes open wide... star-struck-sort-of-"Oh-My-God!" sort of a look.

 Then makes a comment about how that was what I was just doing... and another about me being silly or something.

My response? 

"Shut up! This is like double-porn for me now!"

(More laughter coming from the dining room)

I can no longer eat most of what is being shown on the Food Network. No foods drenched in butter... or oozing cheese... or sprinkled in salt... or cooked in bacon drippings... or wrapped in Prosciutto... or covered in cream... or... well, you get the idea.

Combine a tray of artery-hardening-goodness with a dash of sky-high-blood-pressure - and throw in a heavy helping of close-ups of sexy Giada De Laurentiis ta-tas in high-def... and what do you get? Double-porn. Well... at least for me, anyway.

So I find myself capitalizing on the moment, for Holly’s amusement.


As Giada pulls out two cooked chicken breasts to be shredded for an appetizer...


As Giada talks about taking her tartlets out to prep...


And as Giada brushes the dough with butter... and sprinkles on salt...


(I hate it when they cut to the shot of the head of lettuce at THAT moment!)


Double-porn. I never thought I’d find myself saying this, but: "Thank you, Food Network! Thank you very much!"

(now I need to go smoke a carrot stick)

* * *

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Tremors and Shakes

* * *

Have you ever felt as if your bed was shaking?

Or as if the very ground you walk upon is moving... and trying to throw you off of it... only to laugh at you when you land upon your ass?

That’s how I’ve been feeling lately.

Don’t get me wrong... that’s not necessarily a "bad" thing! It’s just a bit foreign... and takes some getting used to.

Within the past week my entire world has been transformed... while I, seemingly - was just a bystander.

Two doctors visits and some blood tests and I find myself going from "zero" to "four" medications... and a world of lifestyle changes - in less than a week.

No more alcohol... at all... not even a little bit... (Doctor’s orders)

No more sodium (Doctor’s orders)

Mandatory Low-fat and Low-cholesterol diet (Doctor’s orders)

No pork of any kind (Doctor’s orders)

Only the leanest red meat... and even then, only 3 oz and only on the rarest of occasions (Doctor’s orders)

Daily exercise... (Doctor’s orders)

More blood tests in three weeks...

More visits to the doctor in four...

Even more blood tests in six months...

And a whole bunch of "goals" that need to be met by then - just to ensure...

Well... to "ensure" that I get to "continue to be", I guess.

So now my body seems confused by contradictory side-effects...

"This one" makes you need to piss more... while "that one" makes you piss less frequently - so my body isn’t sure whether it’s allowed to piss or not...

"This one" causes you to be drowsy and fall asleep fast - and forces you to yawn uncontrollably while you’re awake - while "that one" keeps you awake - so my body seems to be sleep-walking in an effort to split the difference - and I’m yawning so much my jaw actually hurts.

"This one" causes extreme muscle and joint pain... "that one" causes headaches... and "the other one" causes twitches and tremors... and in the end my body screams "HOW THE HELL IS THIS SUPPOSED TO HELP!?!"

But it is.

Despite all of that, I can actually feel the difference.

I can actually "feel" my body. 

I can actually feel what is going on within.

I’m "aware" (if that makes any sense)...

And my mind is finally quiet. I can lay awake at night and not think at all... (I’d actually have to struggle to think something)...

which is nice...

because I’m enjoying the "quiet within"...

and it all helps me to avoid being pissed at myself for "allowing myself to create THIS"...

and, instead - just focus on what needs to be focused on...

so I can, "continue to be".

And the odd thing is that right now the main thought in my mind is that I can’t wait until I can order my freakin’ camera!

I can feel the weight of it in my hand...

I can feel the lens...

I can see the Live-View screen dim as I raise the body to my eye...

I can feel the shutter button beneath my finger...

I can hear the USM moving as the IS lens begins to focus upon the half-click...

I can hear the shutter clicking already.

I can’t help but think about those things and only those things right now.


Lets just say that I have an "extreme need to take a self-portrait".

It is a project I was told I had to work on... 

by a much, much higher power.

* * *

P.S. - While I’m comfortable saying what I’ve already said (and actually consider it to be a bit of a "release" to have done so) - this isn’t really something I’m up for discussing in any further detail... So... while I appreciate the phone calls and personal messages that have already come through - please understand that this really isn’t something I want to have to "explain" or "discuss". Yeah... I’ve already been a bit public about it... but only to a certain degree.

I guess you could call it "publicly private", LOL! ;-)

* * *